sad and thinking

P.S : i don’t know what i am writing. you can ignore it.

sometime back a friend told me that i was a nice and a caring person,a person who thinks so much about people around and keep them so many happy. i knew i am like that but never acknowledged it.i always thought that this was not something different.every person is like that.

now am told that i am a selfish and self absorbed person.that i am surrounded by so many stories of mine that i have not been seeing the problems in the lives of my closed ones of whom i hv taken responsibility. i did not like this. and thats where my problem starts. (*stories never left me before too !!)

when somebody comments about me being selfish or something else and if i feel am not then i start with my rounds of justification. justification to the person(for whom i have a lot of respect and many things have led me to think that he is always right) or to self by searching my past.this just builds up the frustration and irritation. why would that person be always listening to what i say when vice versa is not happening? why i keep this in my heart and keep it till i get a chance to talk next time( i wont even remember to what exactly had happened that got me this feeling!) but feel angry that how dare he said that?

my sis told me to ignore it but then i am just trying to convey this!. whenever i get emotional , i do some mistakes and the respect goes away. and i get reminded of it(the feeling is like pinching over the raw wounds). i am not God but a human being who tend to commit mistakes.

yup something happened with a person and i was not aware of it but when i got to know ,i made it sure that i am there for the person.not physically but at-least virtually by talking everyday,asking abt status till my 2-3 am.giving suggestions,guidance,tips and making sure the person does it. and thoughts about it were running in my head 24*7. i have belief in this person from the time when i was 11 yrs old,when i was asked to guide the person. yes from then till now. many happy and sad moments we shared,faced difficulties,celebrated victories,mourned on the crushes getting crushed to just being there but i was and am always proud of the person.i would never even hide from anybody about this person’s identity ,be it at my workplace or among friends.the feeling that “i would feel shame to represent the person ‘anywhere’ because the person has done something wrong in the past or possibility of doing anything again” never EVER came in my mind(oh how can anybody assume this shit, fuck off).

why i could not ignore those comments?

payoff of all this is the bad headache i have got now!!